Vehicular Mindslaughter

Apparently last night someone broke into my garage and taped the automotive equivalent of a “Kick Me” sign to my front bumper.  It must read “PLEASE PULL OUT IN FRONT OF ME” as this morning no less than six brave commuters believed they could put the four feet of space between me and the car ahead to better use.  I owe a huge debt of gratitude to the engineer who came up with the idea of installing braking systems in cars.

I’m driving on Riverside Parkway and thinking of George Carlin’s classic joke “park on a driveway but drive on a parkway” when Brave Commuter No. 6 pulls out in front of me driving a Hyundai Speck (one-door model).  I have come to expect this behavior so I flash my brights, give a big thumb-up wave and shout “Good Job *^$@)#!”.  My goodwill gestures go unnoticed.

I snuggle up close behind the little maggot car at the next red light and from the lofty perch in my Honda CRV I can see the driver.  Her left hand has been glued to her head by a cell phone, and her right hand carefully places a cup of coffee or something on the top of the dashboard. (Apparently a cup holder is standard equipment only for the “EX” model of the Speck.)  I see the driver clearly reflected in the rear-view mirror which she is using to touch up her face paint.

It is a long light and she reaches toward the passenger seat and her arm comes back with a white paper bag around her hand.  With a flick of her wrist she shakes off the bag and is holding a breakfast sandwich.  Her left hand is still busy so she holds the sandwich in her right hand and uses two fingers on the same hand to partially open the wrapper.  She takes a bite out of the sandwich and continues talking on her phone.  Obviously a Level 9 Master of Multi-Tasking.

The light turns green and she tosses the sandwich into the passenger seat and floors it, then remembers the coffee on the dash.  I sat motionless, transfixed by the intellectual display playing out before me.  She fails to stop the coffee’s slide but manages to catch most of the liquid with her hand and arm as it falls.  Apparently, the coffee is very hot as she swerves to the right and nearly drives into the curb.  I’m thinking she must be steering with her knees since I can see her right hand waving frantically in the air to cool off the burn while her left hand is still stuck to the side of her head. Finally she recovers enough to straighten the car and pull away, and I notice a “WWJD” fish-magnet stuck to the trunk above the back bumper.

I’m not a theologian but I have a pretty good idea what Jesus would not do.  He would not endanger his fellow commuters with a cell phone and a McMuffin, and I’m fairly certain He wouldn’t be driving a Hyundai.

From my archives.  I witnessed this actual Fidiot behavior on my morning commute on January 27, 2005 and wrote this description the same day.